


ocean currents

by junxouji



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 13:03:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11601219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: Some ocean currents consumed and overwhelmed. Most weren't happened to be named Jaehyun.





	ocean currents

_ ‘It pushes up to me like thickening fog, _ __  
_ cutting off my breath, it’s killing me. _ __  
  


_ These infected wounds _   
_ are getting deeper, they keep aching. _ __  
  


_ (but it was  _ **_y o u_ ** _ ) _

  
  
  
  
  


Some people were like oceans. 

 

Jaehyun learned quickly that eyes could possess enough power to make him quiver. That mouths could pack punches. And sometimes what was left unsaid could hurt him the  _ most _ .

 

Nothing has ever felt good as Taeyong and nothing certainly had never hurt as much as Taeyong. It started off fast, unexpected, and like nothing else Jaehyun had ever experienced. Love was not something he could piece together with words. It was all consuming–every thought circling around the cherry haired male, mouth speaking his name out like a prayer, and his hands reaching for the galaxy that Taeyong seemed to drift on.

 

In retrospect, he should have known he could never be enough for someone like Taeyong. There were just people who existed in different worlds. Jaehyun was a nobody with no extraordinary talents. Taeyong was not only beautiful but talented and loved by all their peers. Jaehyun had been able to garner his attention despite the odds but he had no disillusionment about keeping it.

 

He did  _ lose  _ it. It was expected. However, that didn't quench the hurt in his chest that dug its way out with claws and bites. It didn't pacify the jealousy of Taeyong with other people. It didn't change the fact every time he fucking closed his eyes the burning image of his first love was branded on the back of his eyelids. Love was hauntingly unforgiving it seemed and Jaehyun had ultimately gotten caught up in Taeyong's tsunami.

  
  
  


It had been three months. Three month and five days since their breakup. It bad been the end of Jaehyun's freshman year of university and Taeyong's junior. Their differences became too much and Taeyong ended it.

 

Although Jaehyun understood from an outside perspective why their relationship was doomed it didn't ease his hurt. He had been so caught up in everything that Taeyong  _ was _ he hadn't seen how he was changing–becoming increasingly unhappy with their relationship. Of how Jaehyun's insecurities, possessiveness, and paranoia was spilling them apart.

 

It had been three long months since Jaehyun packed up his dorm and escaped to his parents’ summer villa on the seaside. It had been three months since he had last seen, heard from, or spoken to Taeyong. 

 

Back on the university freshly moved into his apartment with his roommate Mark he should have known it would be inevitable to run into him again. He just wasn't prepared for the potency of Taeyong's presence after such abstinence.

 

Jaehyun was all but dragged by his friends to the party. Apparently, there were some new hot freshman Mark had heard about and no way Chittaphon was going to go alone (although his interest was more focused on a certain American exchange student than the party). He is taken against his will to the frat party pushing back his own melancholy just for the night so he can make sure neither of his friends get into any trouble. Mark was susceptible to pretty girls and Chittaphon needed a translator for Johnny’s awkward Korean.

 

It's how with his red solo cup he spots  _ him _ . Jaehyun was leaning towards the corner of the loud room watching the antics of drunk people around him. Beer pong, dancing, conversations and chaos filled the room. His eyes lifted from his beer to the door when it opened revealing new partygoers.

 

Taeyong.  _ Taeyong _ . In all his beauty and glory. His hair was pink–not the soft dark brown Jaehyun was accustomed to. Much to Jaehyun's dismay he didn't come alone. Next to him is someone unfamiliar but incredibly handsome. Dark hair, rosy cheeks, glistening eyes, and sweet full lips. Taeyong's friend looks far too beautiful and Jaehyun suddenly hates everything because there is no way he can compete with someone like  _ that _ . 

 

He feels sick to his stomach but drowns the rest of his beer anyways. He can feel someone press to his side and turns to spy Chittaphon looking at him with concern having spot Taeyong and his arm candy as well. The silent ‘ _ you okay? _ ’ goes unsaid but Jaehyun just nods anyway in confirmation. 

 

He's a bit masochistic. This burn in his chest consuming his lungs and filling his head with dizzyingly rattling smoke was the first thing he felt in three months. He was  _ alive _ again and despite the pain he is grateful for that.

 

Mark is off talking to some pretty girl but Chittaphon sticks around. Jaehyun is grateful gift that as well. It's comforting to know if he did have to face Taeyong at least he wouldn't be alone.

 

“ _ Jae _ ?”

 

He hates that voice. The sweetness, fondness, and secrets it used to carry that only Jaehyun knew had once been able to sky rocket him to another galaxy. Now it just send him spiraling down and crashing against the ocean’s dark, dark,  _ dark _ floor.

 

Jaehyun turns towards the source of  _ everything  _ – his resentment for the world, his hatred for solitude, the way his heart hammers like the erratic wings of a hummingbird, and the reason Jaehyun doesn't think he can ever find someone else who will be what Taeyong is to him.

 

“You don't like parties.” Taeyong says unceremoniously as if there was something peculiar about Jaehyun being at the party. Perhaps he didn't. But he had spent nearly ninety days alone to have come to appreciate the overwhelming stimulation of people blocking out his own self destructive thoughts.

 

The beautiful male is at his side looking curiously. He wonders if Taeyong has spoke of him? Maybe he's just a phantom memory or an unknown face. Maybe Taeyong has forgotten all about their year long romance in its entirety.

 

Jaehyun could never forget the way Taeyong's eyes had been bloodshot, how broken he had looked, and the way he seemed to shatter with every second that passed that Jaehyun didn't stop from going. 

 

(  **_JAEHYUN_ ** _. You're drifting from me and you won't let me in. I cannot keep  _ **_fighting_ ** _ you to let me love you. It isn't fair _ .)

 

It's still not fair.

 

_ How _ Taeyong can look fine while Jaehyun is this miserable.  _ How _ his new companion is the second most beautiful man he has ever seen - secondly only to Taeyong, himself.  _ How _ even now he is still so deeply in love with the other male that Taeyong is sucking all the air from Jaehyun's weakened lungs by merely being close.

 

“Things change.” Jaehyun answers noncommittal and more indifferent than he feels.

 

There is a tinge of uncertainty in Taeyong's gaze. “I suppose they do.” He pauses as if he has forgotten his friend. He seems flustered as he gestures quickly to his guest, “This is Sicheng. He's an exchange student from China and my roomie for the semester. Sicheng, this is Jaehyun my... _ old _ f-friend.”

 

_ Friend _ . As if what they had could be condensed down to friendship.  _ Oh _ , how that burns. The hurt is a toxic thing that finds its way buried deeply behind his chest spilling out from his mouth and his sharp gaze. Taeyong is still as beautiful as he remembers and somehow just as happy. As if  _ they  _ hadn’t happened and Taeyong hadn’t snatched his bleeding heart from his body only to  _ crush _ it.

 

“Oh and  _ Chittaphon _ !” Taeyong murmurs noticing the Thai male lingering with a small smile. Unlike Jaehyun, Chittaphon was a frequent party goer.

 

“We came here  **_together_ ** . Jaehyun can be so easily lead when you get creative.” Chittaphon smiles slightly as his hand comes to Jae’s shoulder as an attempt to get him to hold it in. “It was nice seeing you and meeting your friend but we were just about to go.”

 

The look on Taeyong’s face is comical if it didn’t hurt so much. His expression drops as he puts together Chittaphon’s accented Korean to get what he was implying. He looks genuinely taken back as if he never considered Jaehyun capable of find another. It’s a figurative  _ oh _ that crosses his pretty face.

 

Jaehyun does not wait and pushes forward feeling Chitta’s hand guide him to a clearing. When he escapes the frat house and the cold air hits him he exhales. However, he still does not feel like he is breathing. His lungs are burning and every  _ bad _ feeling that could surface does.

 

_ He’s gotten someone better. Someone who is holding him when you cannot _ .

 

Oh, it  _ fucking _ burns. His throat closes up and his eyes burn but he refuses to cry anymore. Three months had been spent crying in silence. He had nothing left to spill but the hurt did not subside any.

 

“You okay?” Chittaphon asked.

 

Jaehyun, in all actuality, probably needs another beer to numb this aching in his chest. How do people get over the ones they love? What could possibly be strong enough to pry this ugly infection from his chest? What could stop the rotting on his heart?

 

“You probably just ruined any plans you had for Johnny for the night.” Jaehyun murmurs able to still form sentences. You see, he’s gotten good at this entire  _ heartbreak _ thing.

 

“There will always be other nights. You looked like you needed rescuing. Want to get some takeout and watch movies?”

 

Jaehyun shakes his head. He is not  **_w e a k_ ** . He has carried this hurt in his chest for months so there is no way he is  _ weak _ . He has overcome the hurricanes, swallowed the tsundadies, and embraced the tidal waves of Taeyong. He has not broken yet. He has been weathered down, worn down, ripped, tugged, pulled, pushed, beaten down--he wears all the marks of someone who has been in battle but he is not fucking  _ weak _ . He is hurt, damaged, and suffering but he is not  _ broken _ . No, not yet.

 

“You can go back. Someone needs to protect Mark from himself. Maybe, if you’re lucky you will run into Johnny and hit it off. I can go back by myself but I worry about Mark making it home so if you could do me a favor and keep an eye on him?” He sounds calmer than he feels. He sounds more put together than he feels. He feels like he is  _ crumbling _ but somehow the glue of his skin that has been stretched and pulled hasn’t fallen apart yet.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah, of course. Just text me when you’re bringing Mark home.”

  
  
  
  
  


Jaehyun is really good at appearing to keep it together. He still has to go to classes. He still has to study until his brain wants to fall out. And he still manages to make sure Mark doesn’t go down some reckless path of abandonment because he’s crushing hardcore on a pretty girl named Yerim.

 

He envies Mark, he really does. He has a way of throwing everything into his loves until there is nothing left. It doesn't matter if he is burned or it just does not work out. He is totally rechargeable with the next  _ the one _ , you know? Jaehyun wonders how someone can give his all to so many people without being properly refueled?

 

Jaehyun on the other hand is so emptied out he cannot imagine giving anything to anyone after Taeyong. He only wants to  _ take _ and that he does.

  
  
  


He learns Sicheng is not Taeyong’s boyfriend and indeed his only roommate. He finds out from a mutual friend as he studies Sicheng from afar when they have a class together. He knows what he is plotting is wrong but somehow he wants to be  _ wrong _ . 

 

It takes him a while to summon the courage to talk to Sicheng. As expected he is both friendly and bright - all characteristic of Taeyong’s friends. He does not seem to know about Taeyong and Jaehyun’s past so he uses that to his advantage. It makes him a despicable person but that does not matter much. He is hurt and hurt people do stupid shit.

  
  
  
  


It takes a few weeks of small talk for Sicheng to agree to a date. Jaehyun is the worst of the worst going after Taeyong’s friends knowing it is the ultimate betrayal. Sicheng does not even know what he is being second party to, making it all the more cruel.

 

He can feel his own friends judgment and disapproval but it does not sway him from doing what he is doing. This is about redemption - about making himself feel better about all his drowning hurt he swallows like ocean water, burning his lungs inside out, spilling out like wildfire across anything and everything that threatens to prick at his weak, weak,  _ weak _ heart. He just feels bad that Sicheng is collateral because he really is a nice guy.

 

The truth is that he is selfish. Not like Mark who would never dare to hurt the person he loves. Jaehyun is much more self centered and focused. 

 

Sicheng smiles pretty and Jaehyun thinks if there wasn’t a Taeyong he could really like the guy. He holds his breath as he listens wanting to numb every pain but he knows he is just prolonging it. He embraces him after their date and promises a second if Sicheng is up to it. Sicheng, oblvious to Jaehyun’s inventions, is astatic. It’s only a matter of time before Taeyong catches wind of it.

  
  
  
  


And he  _ does _ , of course.

  
  
  
  


It’s the first time he has experienced Taeyong angry. The male’s face is twisted into such an beautifully terrifying expression as he storms up to Jaehyun after one of his classes. He moves quickly to grab Jaehyun’s arm without a sound as he pushes him to a empty staircase face as pink and furious as his cherry blossomed hair.

 

“What are you  _ doing _ with Sicheng?” Taeyong demands.

 

Jaehyun stares trying to fake indifference. Taeyong’s face could never bring any emotion but fondness in his chest before but now it stirs something uglier. Something so consuming Jaehyun has to pause before he can respond properly.

 

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun foreigns seeing the look of incredulous disbelief cross Taeyong's face.

 

He moves to shove Jaehyun–the first sign of aggression he has ever gotten from the other. It's not surprising though. Taeyong has always been protective of his friends. Especially those who were vulnerable to attack. “Don't act  _ stupid _ . You know exactly what I mean. Of all people you find yourself going on  _ dates  _ with my roommate and friend? Jaehyun what the fuck! This isn't like you to be so spiteful. Leave Sicheng out of this. Don't let him down because you're angry at me.”

 

“Contrary to popular belief I'm not doing anything to get back at you.”  _ He was _ . “I genuinely like him.”  _ Just not more than a friend _ . “As I recall I don't need to ask permission of anyone much less you to go on a  _ date _ with someone regardless of who it is.”

 

Taeyong's expression darkens. “What you're doing is  _ wrong _ .” He manages as he steps back from Jaehyun, “What has happened to you? You have turned into someone I don't recognize.”

 

“ _ Maybe _ you never knew me as well as you thought.”

  
  
  
  


_ { The thick fog clears up and everything’s clear, the traces of your lies passing by like a strip of film. _ _  
_ _ I hate you. } _

  
  
  
  


Jaehyun doesn't expect to see Sicheng again but apparently, Taeyong hasn't said anything to the Chinese male. He is even invited over after their small lunch at a nearby restaurant. Taeyong doesn't seem to be home yet which is fine with Jaehyun. It gives him time to set up the scene.

 

Sicheng would make someone happy one day but that person would never be Jaehyun. He's almost too  _ easy  _ to lead. All Jaehyun has to do is angle his plush lips to his own and Sicheng opens up eagerly, enthusiastically, and lacking experience. It's so easy to tell by the unsure way he moves but he makes up for technique in zealousness.

 

It's only a matter of time before the front door is opening. Sicheng tries to push him but Jaehyun is already hovering over him, hand up his chest, lips ghosting Sicheng’s neck. It's the cruelest thing he could do. He has stolen Taeyong's best friend, kisses him where he once kissed Taeyong, and played the poor boy’s heart strings.

 

Taeyong pauses in the doorway. If he was shocked by the revelation they were going on dates he's more shocked by the pink flush of Sicheng’s embarrassment at being caught and Jaehyun's challenging gaze almost saying ‘ _ what can you do about it _ ’? Taeyong's bag drops as he clears his throat. 

 

It doesn't make sense why it  _ hurts _ ? It had been  **him** who had dumped Jaehyun. So why did he care if he kissed Sicheng? Why did he still have it in him to be concerned for Jaehyun when he was clearly doing this to hurt him? Despite it all, he still feels worried. How was Jaehyun holding up in their absence?

 

He doesn't expect the hurt. He wouldn't have foresaw the flames that erupt in his chest at the thought of their shared kisses on the same couch.  **_Jaehyun_ ** –this cruel, cruel,  _ cruel _ man has him at his mercy.

 

No matter what anyone thought Taeyong hadn't wanted to break up with Jaehyun. But it was inevitable. Jaehyun often refused to communicate with him, so many nights were spent in arguments or indifference, and it was Taeyong's last year at university. What would they do afterwards with such an unstable relationship? Taeyong  _ had _ wanted it to work. He cared about him. (He still did.) A relationship was not  _ one _ person trying to make it work. Nor because Taeyong cared or hoped it worked meant the relationship would work. Unfortunately, relationships needed more than  _ love _ sometimes.

 

This was proof of their differences, no?

 

Or maybe Taeyong was more vulnerable than he thought. He chokes back an unflattering rising sob he hadn't known was coming. It comes out of nowhere as he quickly covers his face pushing down the hall to escape to his room. They could not witness him crumble.

 

“ _ Ge _ ?” Sicheng says concerned as he quickly moved to follow Taeyong confused.

 

Jaehyun sits there wondering if he's satisfied now. Does he feel any better? ( _ No _ .)

 

Even Sicheng escaped to Taeyong reminding just how alone he is and how  _ this _ –this terrible thing he was doing wasn't really filling any void but making it much more apparent.

 

He felt like  _ shit _ . He had made Taeyong cry. 

  
  
  


Jaehyun has never been the easiest person to date. Despite his warm smile, he had always been hard to reach emotionally, a bit aloof, and distant. Taeyong thought he might warm up to him. That maybe he needed to trust him. But Jaehyun didn't warm up. Instead, their distance had grown. Jaehyun didn't display affection in the ways most did, he was terribly jealous, and often explosive. On the outside he appeared both friendly and charismatic but Taeyong quickly realized that was an act. He embraced the real Jaehyun–a cold, wounded, frightened guy terrified of his insecurities and losing people. He didn't complain when Jaehyun squeezed him too tight, suffocating him slightly, making Taeyong promise to not leave him. 

 

He knew Jaehyun had his demons. But Jaehyun seemed to feed his demons–never bothering to overcome them. He couldn't survive in that type of relationship.

 

He did what he thought was best. Erasing the feelings was hard. They didn't really go. He still cared about the aloof male. Seeing him with Sicheng intentionally trying to hurt him and ultimately bound to hurt Sicheng as well–it was so  _ unfair _ .

 

“I didn't know, gege. I wouldn't have went on a date with him. I thought he was  _ just _ your friend. He seemed like such a nice guy.” Sicheng says softly as he brushes the others hair back.

 

Taeyong shakes his head, “He  _ is _ a good guy. Just a wounded guy trying to self preserve. I'm sorry I ruined your night.”

 

“Don't worry about that. I wouldn't want to do something like this to you unknowingly.”  

 

Sicheng is a nice guy but Taeyong knows  _ if _ he did hold any interest in Jaehyun they certainly wouldn’t be able to remain peacefully coexisting like this. As much as Taeyong wants to deny it and refuse it he cannot help but still think of Jaehyun as  _ his _ . The circumstances of their breakup was regrettable but it was not to say maybe one day Jaehyun would have his shit together and be able to emotionally invest in Taeyong. Taeyong had  _ hopes _ and he knew that was a dangerous thing.

 

Hopes could let you down and lead you to disappointment because  _ rarely _ are people ever want you want, wish, or desire them to be.

  
  
  
  


They have to talk. There is no way around it. Jaehyun has nothing to say and Taeyong has everything to say. They’ve always been like this - opposites. Jaehyun couldn’t seem to care enough and Taeyong always seemed to care too much. Jaehyun got bitter and Taeyong just got hurt.

 

“Are you angry with me?” Taeyong finally asks, “You  _ do _ know why I broke up with you, right?”

 

“Because you were unhappy.” Jaehyun responds eyes falling to Taeyong’s face. Why does every second they’re together have to feel like something is crushing his chest? Why does love hurt this badly? It certainly wasn’t fair.

 

_ But  _ life isn’t fair and life is Taeyong.

 

“You had emotionally checked out on me. Even now you refuse to tell me what you think, what you feel, or share any sort of intimacy with me. You  _ were _ my boyfriend yet you were behaving as if you resented me.” Taeyong says bewildered and releasing the pent up chaos that swirled his chest. “Do you have any idea how much that  _ hurt _ to know you were just there like some empty shell refusing to even look me in the eyes? Jaehyun, what happened to us? What happened to you to go after my best friend? You’re not the same guy.”

 

“I was  _ never _ that guy, Tae.” Jaehyun snaps lightly. It’s the truth. This person everyone saw was not him. How many times has he been misjudged as some bright creature full of light? Jaehyun was swallowed up in his own self-made despair. He was suffocating on his own unhappiness and had no energy left to dedicate to a relationship. He loved him - oh  _ god _ how he loved him. But love was not the band aid that could make it work between them. Jaehyun was a cancer, sucking all the happiness and joy from those around him when they stood too closely. He was a person of disillusion who saw the ugly in everything because the world was not a kind place. Jaehyun was the infected, the sick, and the weary. Taeyong just happened to be his illness.

 

People are not always meant to be together. Wasn’t this more evident for them? Jaehyun can only turn his gaze from the other’s face resenting him for making him crumble and weaken this way.

 

This blackened pit in him is opening its jaws, devouring him entirely, and  turning his life upside down. Jaehyun cannot sleep, cannot eat, and cannot breathe. The toll was being taken across his once youthful features now haggard from sadness and depression. The curtains are being closed on him and he has no hope that tomorrow might be different.

 

He knows he will wake up tomorrow and feel just as bad, if not worse. Loving Taeyong would do nothing for him so he wanted to get rid of that thorn in his chest, twisting his guts, and spitting him out into hell’s fire.

 

“Let’s not meet again.” Jaehyun says finally, “I don’t want to see you again.”

 

Taeyong’s brows angle downwards. “Jaehyun-”

 

But there is no  _ Jaehyun _ -ing him. He has suffered and suffered under the hands of love. It has grabbed him, squeezed him dry, and wrangled him into broken pieces barely glued together. This nebula in his chest had burst. It was eating him inside to outside. There was not any chance for him to be happy - he was poisoned far beyond any possible cure. Everything  **_t o x i c_ ** in his chest had infected his blood stream and now  _ lived  _ in him. He was in the arms of hell by just looking at Taeyong.

 

No, they did not need to see each other anymore. There was no reason to. They were over.

 

( _ LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO.LET HIM GO... _ )

 

“I do not want to see you again. There is no  _ us _ anymore. Everything is in the past and the past is where I would like you stay.”

 

“Jaehyun, it doesn’t have to be that way.” Taeyong insists, “Even if we cannot work out we don’t have to-”

 

“We do have to, Tae. Because I want to be able to breathe without thinking of you.  _ You _ are a virus I have been unable to get rid of, a bad choice, and a mistake I have tried to fix. You cannot always  _ fix _ it. Sometimes you just have to let it go.”

 

“ _ Jae _ !” He sounds frustrated and desperate. Oddly, how Jaehyun feels. “You do not get to decide these things on your own. You cannot just kick me out of your life when you deem to too hard to face fucking reality. You hurt me, I probably hurt you. This is life. It’s not fair but you cannot just decide to run when it’s hard.”

 

“I can and I will.” Jaehyun says back, “The difference between me and you is that I know this  _ bad _ won’t ever turn into something good. Taeyong, I  _ did  _ care about you. I’m just not made for this shit. I am not this good person you can depend on. Frankly, I am okay and delighted to play the bad guy. It saves me the burden of being mistaken for anything else. The expectations you had for me I couldn’t meet. I never could. I merely was afraid to say it but now I can: I am not good enough for you and this is the truth. Being with me or around me you’d just be unhappy. I would be unhappy. This is the one thing I  _ can _ decide. Taeyong, do not come around me anymore. It’s over so let it be that.”

 

The look that crosses Taeyong face hurts. He looks so visibly shaken it hurts. His lips press together firmly. “Is this what you really want? Do you never want to see me again?” How softly he asks still manages to rock Jaehyun to the core.

 

_ No, no, no angel. Do not cry. I want you. I want to be with you. _

 

“Yes. This can be our final goodbye.” Jaehyun says back.

 

He watches Taeyong slump over in a mess of hurt, the silent sobs evident by the way his thin body trembles.  It offers so solace or comfort to see but somehow Jaehyun feels better because he has managed to rip one of the other’s wings off. He has taken Taeyong down with him - he has given him a taste of the shit Jaehyun suffered at no other hand but his own. 

 

Some people were like oceans. They could consume everything around them in instants if allowed. Sometimes they suffocated those around them - dragging them down in the deepest pits of the ocean.

 

Some people were just destruction.


End file.
